Recently Rick Lawrence of Group Magazine published the results of a survey of 20,000 plus teens answering the following questions:

• What would you like to do More of in your church’s youth ministry? (these results were published in the latest print version of Group)
• What is your biggest challenge in growing deeper in your relationship with God?
• What is your biggest regret in your relationship with God?
• What is your biggest hope in your relationship with God?
• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I found the published results to the first question to be mostly bothersome and frustrating.  It seemed to me that there was too much emphasis on games and activities, hang out time, and other similar types of things.  What was encouraging was what came in at #1 even if only by a little bit…Learning about Jesus.  This isn’t the story though.  The story, in my opinion, is what is found in the rest of the survey published online here.

As a dad for the last 13 years I have slowly learned that what my child wants is much different than what that child needs.  Is it really surprising that students want to have more fun?  No, of course not.  What is surprising is the number of parents, youth pastors, and leaders that listen to this and go no further.  Teenagers are adolescent minds that have not fully developed.  This does not discredit their answers; it just means that those of us with fully developed minds (some more than others) should take this into consideration when reading these results.  Example:

• The #1 answer regarding what they want more of may be learning about Jesus, but Help in understanding the Bible (our primary source regarding Jesus) doesn’t show up until #12 followed by learning about the New Testament, sermons that focus on the Bible doesn’t show up until #36, a Bible study that focuses on a book of the Bible doesn’t show up until #38.

America has been blessed and teens in America have seen the blessing but not the cost.  Because of this and other cultural factors they often see what they want, but don’t realize what is required.  This survey brings this perception to the forefront.

The most significant question asked was “What’s the biggest challenge in growing deeper in your relationship with God?”  The answers were no surprise.  The top 3 answers can be boiled down to two:  schedule and parents.  Even busyness is a parent issue.  Parents model the importance of spiritual things by how they manage their time and it is the parents role to help students learn to manage their time.

There are many other significant observations that could be made.  I think this survey is important and should be read and gone over by every youth ministry professional that can get their hands on it, but I want to end by bringing things full circle.

Students may want to learn about Jesus, but don’t want to study the Bible, they want to go to church because it is fun or because their friends are there, but they don’t want to listen to good teaching.  Some may want to be more spiritual but aren’t willing to participate in spiritual disciplines.  The job of the Youth Pastor is to help students fall more in love with God.  That doesn’t mean we don’t do the fun stuff they want, but it does mean we often do things they need,  but don’t necessarily want.

So what?  Well, that is up to you as a parent, youth pastor, or youth leader.   As we think about our philosophy of ministry we could ask these kinds of questions:

• Am I giving students enough of what they need?
• Am I helping students understand what is required in order to get what they want?
• How do we give students enough of what they want (keeping it attractive) and at the same time make sure they are getting what they need?
• What is it that students need?  What is the most effective way to give that to them?

Not to long ago I had a long Facebook discussion about the issue of homosexuality.  That particular discussion was more political in nature and did not address (at least not in depth) what the Bible has to say on the issue.  An organization called Soulforce has, as one of its resources, an online article that addresses what the Bible says about this issue.  I might point out that according to their web site Soulforce does not claim to be a faith based organization.  Still, the arguments used are the typical arguments used by those in the homosexual community.  It is for that reason I will be addressing these arguments over the next several weeks.  Their article can be found here.  Well, here it goes.

There are a couple of things I noticed about the introduction to this article that were bothersome to me.  The author does not reveal who they are.  I looked for a by line at the beginning and the end of the article and did not see one.  Second, it was also bothersome to me that this person claims to have studied at a conservative seminary, but does not say which one.  The identity of this person and the identity of the seminary do not change the validity of the arguments presented, but I find it odd.

The author has 8 premises and the first one is this, “Most people have not carefully and prayerfully researched the biblical texts often used to condemn God’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender children.”

There is probably some truth to this statement.  Most people are not pastors and have not learned the skills necessary to study these things on a scholarly level.  Most people probably haven’t taken the time to read a book or look up all the passages in Scripture that deal with homosexuality.  The assumption in this statement is that if they had carefully studied this issue they would come to a pro-homosexual position.  Just because most people haven’t studied it, that doesn’t mean that all of those who believe the message of scripture speaks of homosexuality as a sin have not studied it.  As a matter of fact many who continue to speak against homosexuality have studied this issue very carefully.

The author spends time in the introduction talking about the importance of “rightly dividing the word of truth” and then under the first premise this person speaks about Biblical ignorance.  This person then lists three things about the Bible which they believe most Christians do not know.  Those things are:

• Jesus says nothing about same-sex behavior.  (true, but Jesus does talk about marriage)
• The Jewish prophets are silent about homosexuality. (again true)
• Only six or seven of the Bible’s one million verses refer to same-sex behavior in any way — and none of these verses refer to homosexual orientation as it’s understood today.  (This statement is not true)

This last statement is disturbing.  For a person who claims to have 50+ years of studying the Bible and claims ignorance on the part of others, it amazes me that they would think there are one million verses in the Bible.  There aren’t even one million words in the bible and there are approximately 30,000 verses in the Bible (Check this here).

I realize we have not yet started to deal with Scripture itself, but we will begin to do that next week as we deal with the next two premises the author presents.  They are:

“Historically, people’s misinterpretation of the Bible has left a trail of suffering, bloodshed, and death.”

and

“We must be open to new truth from Scripture.”

Drugs have become such a prevalent part of our society that we talk with our kids about them at a young age.  There are books all over the place about how to deal with dating and sex with children and teens, but what about homosexuality?

Elephants grow.  I know, it is obvious but sometimes I think we ignore a lot of issues and hope they won’t impact our lives or our students life.  Homosexuality was a fringe issue that, for the most part, could be ignored a decade or two ago.  Today it is a major issue in our schools connected to bullying, “safe zones,”  and teaching on tolerance.  It was a baby elephant not that long ago, but elephants grow and this is now a large animal that must be dealt with in our ministries and in our families.

The “tolerance” indoctrination started with my daughter when she was in kindergarten.  She was told everyone’s opinion is of equal value.  The homosexual indoctrination started when she was in second grade when she was told to do a family tree.  Part of the curriculum was that all family situations are of equal value:  two mommies are the same as two daddies or a mom and dad.

Pastors and leaders we need to talk about the elephant in the room in our ministries.  It isn’t going to go away and our students will fall for the deception because the deception started when they were very young.

Parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts, we must talk with our children when they are young, we must pay attention, we must teach them both Biblical arguments and non-Biblical arguments.  We must both immunize them from the false arguments they will receive in school and equip them to make good arguments so they can impact culture.

How do we do it?  As a parent I am always asking my daughter if they are talking about certain topics.  I may say, “Catrina, are you guys talking about homosexuality in school?”  It may sound weird, but I don’t care it’s my job as a dad.  As a youth pastor I teach on passages like Romans 1, Lev. 22, 1 Cor. 6:9-10, etc…  I bring it up with compassion and love, but I do not shy away from truth because “love rejoices in truth” (1 Cor. 13).

The elephant is growing, it’s time to deal with it!

The story I’m about to tell is actually many stories.  Though I will tell it is one story, there have been many like this over the years.  It started out with some parents coming to me to ask for help.  Their student (15) had become disrespectful and defiant.  The parents had done everything they knew how to do and they were stuck, concerned, and at the end of their rope.

Over the years I have sat down with many students and had many conversations after a similar conversation with parents. Though the behavior is often a particular issue (drugs, partying, defiance, etc…) it seems to me the source of the problem is generally (not always) found in one of a couple places. First, it often starts when the kids are young. Perhaps you have heard the saying, “everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten.” While this is grossly overstated there is a certain sense in which it is true. Many of the patterns in life are determined very early. Those who allow their young children to manipulate and control them by throwing tantrums and being defiant can expect that pattern to continue as the child grows older. Many parents are short sighted in this regard. Instead of teaching their children the proper way to deal with disappointment they simply try to manage the tantrums and defiance. In other words they try to keep it in the realm of what they can put up with. The idea is that these children will outgrow these behaviors. In some ways they are correct. As children develop mentally they acquire new tools of manipulation, more effective ones. In reality it is more of a trade in than anything. Proverbs 23:13-14 warns parents not to withhold discipline from our children. This isn’t only true when they are young, it is true as they grow older and become teenagers. The method of discipline may change, but the principle remains until they leave their parents for full blown adulthood. The more we as parents discipline when our children are young, the less we will have to do it when they grow older.

The second source is culture. The American culture is nor friendly to parenting. Whether it is the entertainment on TV, the education system promoting silly ideas, or the music being pumped into our student heads, it is very often filled with messages that promote the intelligence of kids and the idiocy of adults. I probably haven’t heard it all, but I have heard so many students communicate in some way that they somehow know so much more than adults. I hear things like, “I googled it and…” “my teacher told me…” “I saw ______ on TV and they said….” Honestly it is out of hand and it is our fault. As parents we need to speak prophetically in order to help them filter out what is good and trustworthy and what is not. This starts at a young age and continues into early adulthood. Our students are not being taught a Biblical worldview in their schools, they are not being taught American exceptionalism, and they are not being taught Biblical principles. It is a never ending job to guard ourselves and then our students from these ideological missteps.

For much of my youth ministry career I have tried to be careful regarding the advice that I would give parents about parenting. There are two reasons I am more willing to give advice in this area now than I used to be. The first is experience. I have a daughter headed into junior high, and though she has not yet successfully navigated the teenage years, I more fully understand parenting. Not that I have it all figured out, I don’t and that is why humility is always a key ingredient when dishing out advice of any kind. The second reason is youth ministry itself. That is to say I have been working with teenagers for 18 years. I would say that experience legitimizes any insight I may have into the minds, hearts, and behaviors of teenagers. I think it would be fair to say that I have achieved a certain level of expertise not on parenting necessarily, but on teenagers themselves.

If you are a youth pastor with some experience, you should not be shy about giving general advice on the mind, heart, and behavior of teenagers, but you should be humble and recognize your limits.

If you are a parent, don’t fall into the trap of thinking students know how they should be parented.  Likewise don’t fall into the trap of listening to culture.  God’s word (start with Proverbs) gives all kinds of great advice.

We must teach kids and teens about marriage.  No, I’m not from some back hills county where it is okay to marry 14 year olds (or younger).  That said, there is this casual approach to relationships as if they are not a big deal.  Not that long ago I had a conversation with a 4th or 5th grader that brought this to light.

Let me set the backdrop.  This was a Sunday morning at The Rock, there wasn’t really anything different about this particular Sunday.  I was wondering around during one of the services.  We do not have Sunday morning programing for our Senior High Students, but I like to hang out between services and talk to them so during the services I often don’t have much to do.  On this Sunday I had engaged in another conversation with this student just a few minutes earlier.  I ran into him again when he was with his class who was on their way to another room and I heard the teacher say, “Fred (not his real name) don’t you be sneaking off with Susie (not her real name) to get some kissy face.”  I stopped cold in my tracks.  I looked at Fred and said, “is she your girlfriend?”  Fred, “yes.”  Me, “oh, do you think you are going to marry her?”  Fred with a lot of attitude, “NO.”  Me, “Why are you dating her if you know you’re not going to marry her?”  Fred with more attitude, “YOU’RE WEIRD!!”

I desperately hope that conversation bothers you as much as it bothers me.  I realize there are some people who think kids dating is cute, but I know the mom who got called to school because her 8th grade daughter was caught having sex literally in a closet, the conversations I have over and over again with teens who are having sex with their boy/girlfriend because they have not been taught at an early age what the dangers are (I’m not talking about std’s and pregnancy), the multiple conversations I have had with guys who’s girlfriends got pregnant and then had abortions, or the junior high students who start dating and even the leaders think that couple will be the exception and they will not have sex and remain pure for the next 8 years and then they will get married.  Dating at any age isn’t “cute”  it is a serious activity for a serious purpose.  There are couples who are cute, but dating itself is not cute.

The problem is actually pretty simple to identify, the problem is that dating has become the goal not marriage.  This reminds me of another conversation I had with my daughter.  I was at a school function with her class and she came up to me and asked me this questions, “Daddy, can I start dating when I am 15?”  My answer started simple and quick, “no, why do you ask?”  My daughter, “my friend gets to start dating when she is 15 so I wanted to know if I could.”  Now that I had a moment to think about the question she asked me I responded with some thoughtful questions of my own.  “Catrina (my daughter) when do you think you will get married?”  her, “I don’t know.”  Me, “well do you think it will be when you are 16, 18, 23, 25?”  Her, “Daddy, you said I couldn’t get married until I was 30.”  Me, “you can get married earlier than that, but let’s say you end up getting married early like your mom and dad did, lets say you were going to get married at 20.”  Her, “ok.”  Me, “how long do you think it will take you to find a husband?”  Her, “…oooooh.”

In that moment she realized what the purpose of dating was and I developed my entire strategy for how we will approach this issue as she gets older.  I know she is going to want to date earlier, and I know I might grow tired of fighting with her about it, but I also know that you can’t hit the target if you don’t keep your eye on it.

Put simply I teach my students about marriage not dating, I teach them what kind of decisions they should be making now in order to have a good marriage later.  I teach them about the goal and then work backwards so they can clearly see how the right process leads to the goal.

When a parent comes up to me and says, “my son/daughter had so much fun at youth group the other night…good job…thanks.”  I want to say, “you’re welcome, but I’m really not that concerned about how much fun they had.  Were they challenged spiritually?”

The assumption on the part of the parent is that if they are at church and having fun then they must be growing spiritually and maybe this will keep them off drugs and stop them from having sex.  The reality is this, if we are spending all of our time making sure kids are having fun we aren’t spending any of our time teaching them and helping them grow in their faith.  Fun and growth aren’t mutually exclusive, but they are not synonymous either.

My goal as a pastor to students is to reaching them with the gospel of Christ, teaching them to love God and others, and helping them impact the world.  Fun is somewhat of a strategy, but it is not “the” strategy.  The gospel, the Bible, and the Holy Spirit is “the” strategy.

If you are a parent who wants to compliment a youth pastor/leader tell them about the spiritual impact they are having, not necessarily how much fun your student is having or how creative the leader is.

If you are a youth pastor/leader take heart.  Sometimes parents don’t know how else to let you know they appreciate you.

You may think your daughter won’t get one or o your son would not encourage their girlfriend to get an abortion, but it might be a good Idea to talk to them about it.  In every abortion there is one dead and one wounded.  Unfortunately those wounds are not simply physical.  Teens who have abortions are more likely to attempt suicide, struggle with depression, risk difficult pregnancies in the future, suffer from post dramatic stress disorder and so on (for more info click this).

It’s time we take this issue on with clarity, grace, and intentionality.  Take time to talk about this issue in your family and in your ministry.

Because the amount of heckling I receive I thought I would do a little pros and cons list regarding the celebration of Halloween.  Here it goes:

Cons

• I’m not sure what exactly we are celebrating.  Some say it is the occult, Satan, or some other kind of evil.  I know most people aren’t intentionally celebrating any of those things, but the origin of Halloween is never (to my knowledge) attributed to something good.
• People dress up as someone they are not
• It glorifies death, torture, and evil
• knocking on other people’s doors to get candy seems kind of weird
• Candy produces cavities (at least that is what my mom told me)
• Telling your kids they can’t have all the candy they just collected because they will get sick seems cruel when you just helped them get it
• Pumpkin Pie isn’t really that good and I can have apple pie or banana cream pie any time of the year

Pros

• It is a good opportunity to talk to people about spiritual things, Life and death, and other important topics
• It is a good time to get to know some of your neighbors

Those are the only two positives I can think of, but they are significant enough for me to participate in Halloween on some level.  I will do what I can to take advantage of this holiday for the sake of the kingdom of God, but I still hate Halloween.

My daughter follows along during the sermon filling in the blanks in the outline and reading the passages in her bible.  My son usually plays quietly with a car, but he sings and pays attention some of the time (not bad for a four year old).  This week he was very interested in watching mommy sing.  The choir got up and sang while a montage of clips from “The Passion of the Christ” played in the background.  Jo, my son, was a little upset about what they did to Jesus.  When my wife sat down he started to ask questions about the “movie.”  My wife took him out of the room and began to explain why Jesus had to go through that.  Before you call us irresponsible parents, please understand that the clips shown were not the really bad clips, but they were bad enough.

Jo gets a daily does of Bible reading every night at home.  He has heard the gospel many times, but it never really impacted him until this day with those visuals.  At the tender age of four, he accepted Christ.

I know what some of you are thinking.  It is true that it would be easy to manipulate him into saying a prayer.  That is not what happened here.  As parents we have been very purposeful about telling our kids about Jesus and very careful regarding their ability to understand what is being communicated.  I accepted Christ when I was four and I can still visualize that moment to this day.  Some of you are thinking this is the first of many times he will “accept Christ.”  Maybe, but it would be irresponsible on our part to not explain the gospel to him, and to not allow him to “accept Christ.”  Maybe there will be 20 more times, I don’t know.  What I do know is that on this day I am glad this little person was in Big Church.

As parents we must take seriously the task of teaching our kids to go to church.  This is true when it comes to teenagers as well.  What are you doing in your church to teach people how to go to church?  If my four year old can get something out of it, then so can teenagers.  People will only get out of it what they put into it.  Taking notes and looking up passages is an essential part of attending church and listening to a sermon.  In an entertainment driven world, people need to be taught how to do this from a young age, it is not intuitive.

So what we would like from you is suggestions.  What are things you would want your kids to know, believe, and be able to do on a spiritual level?  What goals do you have for your own kids?