Drugs have become such a prevalent part of our society that we talk with our kids about them at a young age.  There are books all over the place about how to deal with dating and sex with children and teens, but what about homosexuality?

Elephants grow.  I know, it is obvious but sometimes I think we ignore a lot of issues and hope they won’t impact our lives or our students life.  Homosexuality was a fringe issue that, for the most part, could be ignored a decade or two ago.  Today it is a major issue in our schools connected to bullying, “safe zones,”  and teaching on tolerance.  It was a baby elephant not that long ago, but elephants grow and this is now a large animal that must be dealt with in our ministries and in our families.

The “tolerance” indoctrination started with my daughter when she was in kindergarten.  She was told everyone’s opinion is of equal value.  The homosexual indoctrination started when she was in second grade when she was told to do a family tree.  Part of the curriculum was that all family situations are of equal value:  two mommies are the same as two daddies or a mom and dad.

Pastors and leaders we need to talk about the elephant in the room in our ministries.  It isn’t going to go away and our students will fall for the deception because the deception started when they were very young.

Parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts, we must talk with our children when they are young, we must pay attention, we must teach them both Biblical arguments and non-Biblical arguments.  We must both immunize them from the false arguments they will receive in school and equip them to make good arguments so they can impact culture.

How do we do it?  As a parent I am always asking my daughter if they are talking about certain topics.  I may say, “Catrina, are you guys talking about homosexuality in school?”  It may sound weird, but I don’t care it’s my job as a dad.  As a youth pastor I teach on passages like Romans 1, Lev. 22, 1 Cor. 6:9-10, etc…  I bring it up with compassion and love, but I do not shy away from truth because “love rejoices in truth” (1 Cor. 13).

The elephant is growing, it’s time to deal with it!

The story I’m about to tell is actually many stories.  Though I will tell it is one story, there have been many like this over the years.  It started out with some parents coming to me to ask for help.  Their student (15) had become disrespectful and defiant.  The parents had done everything they knew how to do and they were stuck, concerned, and at the end of their rope.

Over the years I have sat down with many students and had many conversations after a similar conversation with parents. Though the behavior is often a particular issue (drugs, partying, defiance, etc…) it seems to me the source of the problem is generally (not always) found in one of a couple places. First, it often starts when the kids are young. Perhaps you have heard the saying, “everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten.” While this is grossly overstated there is a certain sense in which it is true. Many of the patterns in life are determined very early. Those who allow their young children to manipulate and control them by throwing tantrums and being defiant can expect that pattern to continue as the child grows older. Many parents are short sighted in this regard. Instead of teaching their children the proper way to deal with disappointment they simply try to manage the tantrums and defiance. In other words they try to keep it in the realm of what they can put up with. The idea is that these children will outgrow these behaviors. In some ways they are correct. As children develop mentally they acquire new tools of manipulation, more effective ones. In reality it is more of a trade in than anything. Proverbs 23:13-14 warns parents not to withhold discipline from our children. This isn’t only true when they are young, it is true as they grow older and become teenagers. The method of discipline may change, but the principle remains until they leave their parents for full blown adulthood. The more we as parents discipline when our children are young, the less we will have to do it when they grow older.

The second source is culture. The American culture is nor friendly to parenting. Whether it is the entertainment on TV, the education system promoting silly ideas, or the music being pumped into our student heads, it is very often filled with messages that promote the intelligence of kids and the idiocy of adults. I probably haven’t heard it all, but I have heard so many students communicate in some way that they somehow know so much more than adults. I hear things like, “I googled it and…” “my teacher told me…” “I saw ______ on TV and they said….” Honestly it is out of hand and it is our fault. As parents we need to speak prophetically in order to help them filter out what is good and trustworthy and what is not. This starts at a young age and continues into early adulthood. Our students are not being taught a Biblical worldview in their schools, they are not being taught American exceptionalism, and they are not being taught Biblical principles. It is a never ending job to guard ourselves and then our students from these ideological missteps.

For much of my youth ministry career I have tried to be careful regarding the advice that I would give parents about parenting. There are two reasons I am more willing to give advice in this area now than I used to be. The first is experience. I have a daughter headed into junior high, and though she has not yet successfully navigated the teenage years, I more fully understand parenting. Not that I have it all figured out, I don’t and that is why humility is always a key ingredient when dishing out advice of any kind. The second reason is youth ministry itself. That is to say I have been working with teenagers for 18 years. I would say that experience legitimizes any insight I may have into the minds, hearts, and behaviors of teenagers. I think it would be fair to say that I have achieved a certain level of expertise not on parenting necessarily, but on teenagers themselves.

If you are a youth pastor with some experience, you should not be shy about giving general advice on the mind, heart, and behavior of teenagers, but you should be humble and recognize your limits.

If you are a parent, don’t fall into the trap of thinking students know how they should be parented.  Likewise don’t fall into the trap of listening to culture.  God’s word (start with Proverbs) gives all kinds of great advice.

We must teach kids and teens about marriage.  No, I’m not from some back hills county where it is okay to marry 14 year olds (or younger).  That said, there is this casual approach to relationships as if they are not a big deal.  Not that long ago I had a conversation with a 4th or 5th grader that brought this to light.

Let me set the backdrop.  This was a Sunday morning at The Rock, there wasn’t really anything different about this particular Sunday.  I was wondering around during one of the services.  We do not have Sunday morning programing for our Senior High Students, but I like to hang out between services and talk to them so during the services I often don’t have much to do.  On this Sunday I had engaged in another conversation with this student just a few minutes earlier.  I ran into him again when he was with his class who was on their way to another room and I heard the teacher say, “Fred (not his real name) don’t you be sneaking off with Susie (not her real name) to get some kissy face.”  I stopped cold in my tracks.  I looked at Fred and said, “is she your girlfriend?”  Fred, “yes.”  Me, “oh, do you think you are going to marry her?”  Fred with a lot of attitude, “NO.”  Me, “Why are you dating her if you know you’re not going to marry her?”  Fred with more attitude, “YOU’RE WEIRD!!”

I desperately hope that conversation bothers you as much as it bothers me.  I realize there are some people who think kids dating is cute, but I know the mom who got called to school because her 8th grade daughter was caught having sex literally in a closet, the conversations I have over and over again with teens who are having sex with their boy/girlfriend because they have not been taught at an early age what the dangers are (I’m not talking about std’s and pregnancy), the multiple conversations I have had with guys who’s girlfriends got pregnant and then had abortions, or the junior high students who start dating and even the leaders think that couple will be the exception and they will not have sex and remain pure for the next 8 years and then they will get married.  Dating at any age isn’t “cute”  it is a serious activity for a serious purpose.  There are couples who are cute, but dating itself is not cute.

The problem is actually pretty simple to identify, the problem is that dating has become the goal not marriage.  This reminds me of another conversation I had with my daughter.  I was at a school function with her class and she came up to me and asked me this questions, “Daddy, can I start dating when I am 15?”  My answer started simple and quick, “no, why do you ask?”  My daughter, “my friend gets to start dating when she is 15 so I wanted to know if I could.”  Now that I had a moment to think about the question she asked me I responded with some thoughtful questions of my own.  “Catrina (my daughter) when do you think you will get married?”  her, “I don’t know.”  Me, “well do you think it will be when you are 16, 18, 23, 25?”  Her, “Daddy, you said I couldn’t get married until I was 30.”  Me, “you can get married earlier than that, but let’s say you end up getting married early like your mom and dad did, lets say you were going to get married at 20.”  Her, “ok.”  Me, “how long do you think it will take you to find a husband?”  Her, “…oooooh.”

In that moment she realized what the purpose of dating was and I developed my entire strategy for how we will approach this issue as she gets older.  I know she is going to want to date earlier, and I know I might grow tired of fighting with her about it, but I also know that you can’t hit the target if you don’t keep your eye on it.

Put simply I teach my students about marriage not dating, I teach them what kind of decisions they should be making now in order to have a good marriage later.  I teach them about the goal and then work backwards so they can clearly see how the right process leads to the goal.

So what we would like from you is suggestions.  What are things you would want your kids to know, believe, and be able to do on a spiritual level?  What goals do you have for your own kids?